CARNAL NATION

It seems to me that there are two different things happening here, and they’re playing off of each other.

First, I’m wondering what it is about penis penetration that you find troubling. Is it all penetration? Just penises? What about toys, fingers, or cucumbers? Is this something that has always been present for you? Do you experience pelvic muscle tension which makes penetration difficult or impossible? Or is it primarily an emotional response? Is sex painful, as well as scary? Do you masturbate, and if so, how are your orgasms? These are the sorts of questions that a sex therapist would ask, and you might want to consider exploring these and other questions with a sex-positive professional. You can find lots of great ones through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (www.aasect.org).

If you’ve ever had any kind of pelvic or lower spine injury, there can be a significant impact on the muscles and nerves of the pelvis. I once spoke with a woman who had injured her coccyx (the bottom of the spine) in a car accident and afterwards, she had pelvic muscle spasms which made sex painful. With physical therapy, she was able to heal the injury and regain her sexual pleasure. So if something like that has ever happened, resources like these might be helpful.

I definitely suggest that you start exploring why penetrative sex is so scary to you. Even if you decide that you’re not interested in actually doing it, knowing more about why you have that experience will give you more information to work with. You’ll also have more to share with someone you’re sexual with, which will probably make it easier to figure out what kinds of sex you do want. For example, what about oral sex? Or vibrators? Or clitoral play? Knowing where the boundaries of your comfort zone are will help you explore the vast array of activities still available to you.

I can certainly understand that telling someone that you’ve never had intercourse can be awkward. Many people have such strong expectations about sex. This is one way that knowing more about what’s going on could be helpful. If you’re able to talk about your concerns about penetration with a potential partner from a place of knowledge, you’ll be much more likely to have a positive experience. Will some guys not get it or freak out? Probably. But there will also be some who will be understanding, or who might even tell you that they have their own concerns or fears around sex. And I’ve heard from lots of guys who prefer things like oral sex to intercourse, but who have never said anything because of their worries about “sexual performance.” If oral sex does it for you (for example), you could find a guy whose interests dovetail with yours.

I also think it’s really great that you’ve never forced yourself to have penetrative sex. A lot of people try to overcome their fear, discomfort, or pain by using alcohol or drugs. And a lot of people learn to ignore how they feel in order to have sex that they don’t want because they think they should. I think you can be proud of the fact that you haven’t done that. As challenging as your circumstances are, you’ve listened to your feelings and your body. Good for you!

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you discover as much pleasure, joy, and love as possible.
 

You’re not alone. Many women who have never had penile-vaginal (PV) intercourse find the thought of a penis inside of them quite intimidating. And, of course, you’re a well-adjusted woman! Just because you don’t crave one particular type of intercourse doesn’t make you abnormal. The good news is that you don’t have to have a penis in your vagina to have sex or enjoy orgasms. Many women don’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation regardless of whether they’re having sex with men or women.

But since you’re writing to us, you are obviously interested in PV intercourse, so let’s talk about a few ways you can begin working toward this type of sex. I would suggest that you start experimenting with your own body before you involve anyone else in the fun. You don’t have to focus on penetration to begin with, but can play with your entire body to see where and how you derive sexual and sensual pleasure. You may want to start in the shower or bath and play with different lotions, massage oils, or vibrating massagers. Even if you use a penis shaped-vibrator on your body and your vulva, there is no need for penetration.

Click here to look at illustrations of the vulva that highlights the general location of your labia and clitoris. It is useful to become familiar with your own body and its reactions before you involve a partner. As you become more comfortable fondling your own body, if you want to try penetration, start with one finger and use lots and lots of lubricant. Practice breathing deeply to help yourself relax, and don’t feel pressure to move along at any particular speed. Remember that penetration is only one type of sex and is in no way any better than other sexual activities. Your clitoris (the only organ in the human body designed solely for pleasure) is not located in your vagina, so you can have a great time without ever entering that territory.

When it comes to dating, you have every right to move at your own pace. As you’re working toward becoming more comfortable with PV sex on your own, you can do lots of other things with a partner including making out, erotic massage, mutual masturbation, hand-jobs, oral sex, and an infinite number of other possibilities that can produce intense pleasure and orgasm. You’ll need to communicate with your partners, however, so that they are aware of your boundaries and expectations. You might start by saying that you like lots of different types of sex, but aren’t quite ready for penetration.

Move at your own pace and celebrate all the wonderful sensations your body has to offer. Remember that there is no rush. As you experiment with all the other types of fun and satisfying sex, you’ll likely become more comfortable with your own body and also become a better lover along the way.

Human beings are a collection of sexual hangups. Some of these anxieties are time-honored traditions passed on by our ancestors, and others are unique to each of us. These things, by themselves, are mostly benevolent until we infuse them with fear and make them a focal point of our self esteem. Someone, somewhere, is still in the closet about their desire or avoiding intimacy with a partner because of what they perceive to be a problem area on their body.

I recommend that you find a therapist not because virginity is a problem nor is fear of penetration, but because it sounds like you've been breaking off otherwise happy relationships, which is problematic for you. A therapist can provide incredibly helpful support and a great place to learn about how to talk about difficult issues. Ultimately, however, you are under no obligation to have sex, do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or tell a partner that you're a virgin.

If you want to work towards penetration, you can purchase a dilator set from Good Vibrations. They are designed for women who have recently undergone sex reassignment surgery and graduate in size from super tiny to average. With patience and a lot of lube, you can practice penetration on your own. Good luck!