CARNAL NATION

Among those who shared comments with me about body fluids and spirituality since my last column, they spoke more of issues that are central to daily life than about sacred sex practices or rituals. Sharing body fluids can mean sharing disease or pregnancy as well, neither of which is trivial. And both can have consequences that last the rest of one's life.

Was the lack of spiritual connection with his sex partners too big a price to pay to avoid viruses?

A pregnancy can be a few days' process (for termination) or a decades' long commitment to another human being and its other parent. Any STD (sexually transmitted disease) requires at least a doctor's visit, a remedy, and communication with all one's recent sex partners. Some—like HPV (human papillomavirus), herpes, and HIV (human immunodeficiency virus)—last for a lifetime, with varying degrees of consequences. Decades down the road from the identification and naming of HIV (which is generally accepted to cause AIDS), it's no longer considered an automatic death sentence to test positive for HIV. But seroconversion (the development of HIV antibodies which occurs when a person has contracted the virus) is still the beginning of a life of prescription drugs, medical visits, and blood tests to help the patient stay healthy.

These risks are what make the act of sharing fluids spiritual. For instance, within polyamorous communities and relationships, sexual activity is not limited to one's spouse or primary partnership. The use of barriers to body fluids during sex is typical among polyamorous community members. Agreeing to mingle body fluids with only one person (or with only certain persons) is an alternate statement of fidelity.

This agreement, called fluid bonding, is often initiated with a ceremony not unlike a marriage ceremony. "There is a spirituality in being fluid bonded... It is a symbol of commitment to a relationship that is done with the receiving of sperm into one's body - with no barrier," wrote one woman.

Another person I heard from is a Sacred Intimate (SI is one of the names for today's Sacred Prostitutes) who is HIV positive. "Michael" has been HIV+ for more than five years. He did not become infected through ignorance or accident. Neither did he get HIV intentionally.

Michael described a desire for spiritual connection in his personal life that required being open physically as well as spiritually. "Penetration, both penetrating and being penetrated, is sacred to me. It's about connection, and that's a spiritual value. I recognized that the depth of connection I wanted, a level of spiritual trust, was connection that required skin-to-skin contact."

How safe did he want to feel? The spiritual connection was precious—and absent in "safer sex." Was the lack of spiritual connection with his sex partners too big a price to pay to avoid viruses?

Michael was not the only one I heard from who questioned what boundaries were created by condom use. A woman, echoing Michael's perspective of the spiritual connection of sexual fluids, wrote: "It's the very stuff that brings spirit into being in matter, the physical. If you are blocking the contact with that, are you not blocking the spiritual connection in a most literal way? Isn't 'rubber' what they use for electrical insulation?"

Michael continues, "There's a continuum from disconnection to connection. I had experiences on it, fucking and getting fucked. I usually bottomed because when I put on a condom, I couldn't stay hard without the touch of another's skin against mine. And I hadn't found anyone to fluid bond with.

"So to reconcile these issues and choose my place on this continuum, I decided I had three clear options along it. From A-Z, A was to keep using condoms without the connection. Around J was no sex at all, no connection, but also no barriers. And Z was fucking and getting fucked without condoms; getting my spirit need for connection met while opening to the health risks: HIV, STDs, all of it.

"I spent two weeks on this, two weeks of self-questioning and tears. That was after I had already tried everything else I could think of: small condoms that covered only the head and the glans, female condoms, other things. I didn't want to seroconvert."

Eventually he chose Z. "It was a question of strong conflicting values. I wanted physical health. And I wanted to have that spiritual connection. The choice came down to my spiritual health versus my physical health. Skin-to-skin sex is one of my purest experiences of being alive. I'm so hungry for that feeling of aliveness.

“So I made a spiritual decision based on placing that value ahead of others. My conscious spiritual value was about not prioritizing avoiding death or physical illness. What does it mean to live a spirit-led life if one doesn't prioritize spiritual values over purely physical ones?

"Many have seroconverted by accident, and they haven't gone through the process I did. Some are still angry; they haven't forgiven themselves or whomever they got it from. For me it was a big deal, but not nearly as big as if I had not made my choice two years before then. I stayed focused on spiritual values and choices. I knew I was on my path the whole time. I was aware the day I found out [I had seroconverted] that there were gifts in that for my healing work with others. It propelled me toward other goals and other values.

"I realize that this is MY value decision, and I am not advocating this for others."

There's a big world out there of men choosing different directions and desires: barebackers, bug chasers, cum dumpsters, those who want to get "knocked up." And there is specific language from some that might have spiritual intent: "Give me your DNA" and "Put your seed in me." Is “DNA” the modern (scientific?) way to refer to one's unique essence? They could be defining their “seed” as an energetic concept like the ancient spiritual teachers.

But how many have gone through the mental, emotional, and spiritual rigor of examining their deep values and reconciling them with the risks they are taking? It's a good exercise for all of us, not just those who are considering sharing body fluids.