CARNAL NATION

It's no secret what man's favorite 'toy' is. With its simple presentation masking some rather complex engineering, that 'toy' provides (nearly) endless hours of entertainment. However, we all know that men can't ever leave well enough (or the 'toy' for that matter) alone. It seems somehow hard wired in our psyches to believe that there's always something better, something that can do a better 'job' for us. Do strategically placed pillows, virgin Vaseline jars, tube socks, vacuum cleaners, etc. represent the heights of DIY creativity or the depths of sheer laziness? Yes.

It is probably unfortunately true that had we dedicated all those long, hard hours of toiling and tinkering and technologizing to something other than the ultimate jerk off, we might have ended world hunger, found a cure for AIDS, saved the environment, and even learned a second language. Aaahhh, a perfect world. But just exactly what would we do to occupy ourselves in such a perfect world? Why, jerk off of course. So I submit that all those long, hard hours have not been a waste after all. Masturbation technology is merely planning for the future, like an IRA. That said, gentlemen, I have some bad news for you: the future is now. Tenga's new Flip Hole Masturbator, the wanking wonder, is nearly the pinnacle of penile play perfection.

High tech. Easy to use (and clean). Versatile. Sleekly attractive. And most definitely effective. The Flip Hole combines the latest in Japanese design technology with your most primal of urges, encasing it in white plastic and translucent elastomer that looks like a cross between a Dixie-cup dispenser and an anemic traffic light. Inside (it's a quirk of mine that I like to see inside just about any inanimate object that I plan to stick my dick into), there is an amazing topography of ridges, ripples, nooks, crannies, peaks and valleys, all sculpted out of spongy, skin-like elastomer. To use it, simply slide the locking mechanism off, open it up, pour on some lube, relock, insert, and go. There are three buttons on the shaft, each providing a different sensation of squeezing and sucking. There are no labels on the buttons, so you'll need to figure out for yourself which one does what, but that's a significant part of the fun.

I received my Flip Hole before it was officially released on the U.S. market, which meant that a significant part of my experience was figuring it all out for myself. But I'm not complaining. It does come with directions, but mine were in Japanese. That said, there were also pictograms that allegedly show you how the thing works—you know, like the "directions" that come with Ikea furniture (mercifully, no allen wrenches necessary). The pictures made me laugh, especially the one demonstrating how to put the lube on the flipped-open device. It easily could have been demonstrating how to properly make a Subway sandwich, which might explain why I'm always so hungry after I use it. Anyway, I digress...

After dozens (conservative estimate) of test drives, I pretty much have my preferred sequence of button pushing down to a science. Once the initial sensation of slick insertion has subsided, I alternate between pushing the top and the bottom buttons, which effects an amazing push-and-pull of suction from top to base and then base to top. As I get closer, I use the middle button to edge myself—it delivers a gentle yet decisive squeeze just below the head. Once the little swimmers have retreated a bit, I go back to the top/bottom button interplay. Sometimes, I rotate the Flip Hole 90 degrees to give the sides of my cock some attention. Sometimes I rotate it 180 or even 360 degrees without any button play for an entirely different sensation.

I do have two complaints about the Flip Hole.

First, there's the noise. I suppose that there can't or shouldn't be anything subtle about something that does such a screaming good job of giving hand jobs, but I have roommates. Once you get going with this thing, it sounds either like you're trudging in wet sneakers across a marble floor or like the TARDIS from Dr. Who is about to take off. During my first few test drives, I almost unmuted the porn to hide the noise. A real quandary as to which is more discreet: the squishing, squelching emanations of the Tenga or the incessant moaning and groaning of the guys fucking on the TV. In the end, I just put on some music. LOUD music. That also helped to camouflage some of my own inadvertent moans and groans.

My second complaint about this contraption is that it works too well. Ummm, I really want it to last longer. There I go blaming something else for my shortcummings, but... Well, I guess practice makes perfect. Practice, practice, practice.

And that brings us back to perfection. Sure there are a few tweaks here and there that the folks at Tenga could make, but they've essentially got it all in this one elegant package. I guess now that we have this near-perfect masturbation device, it's time to get down to business on those other tasks to make this world a better place. I know where I'll start: how do you say "Oh God! Oh God! I'm gonna come!" in Japanese?

When it comes to sticking my cock into contraptions of molded plastic or rubber, I am entirely a virgin. I have zilch experience with masturbation sleeves, Fleshlights, inflatable dolls, or—God help me—Realdolls. If I suddenly found myself with the spare six to ten grand that it takes to buy one of the latter, I would probably either blow it on computer gear to build my Secret Evil Empire or make a down payment on a copy of Action Comics #1. My masturbation history is a shockingly low-tech one. Most times when I take things into my own hands, lube doesn’t even enter the picture.

All of which is a very roundabout way of providing a caveat of a sort: I don’t have a lot of experience with the other masturbation toys on the market. I can only compare the Flip Hole against my adventures with Rosie Palm. But there’s a lot to recommend it based on that experience alone.

Someone obviously put a lot of thought into the Flip Hole, and it shows. From an engineering and design perspective, you can’t help but marvel at the amount of effort into making something that’s ergonomic, aesthetically pleasing, and a really good synthetic fuck. One example of this is the patterns of the ridges, beads, and curves that make up the inside of the Flip Hole. Less thoughtful designers would have just drilled a cavity in a piece of gel or cyberskin and let it go at that. After all, men will fuck mud without a second thought, right? In contrast, when you open the Flip Hole up, the patterns carved into the gel of each side are distinct from one another. And they’re complex patterns of spheres and rectangles of varying, gradated sizes, rather than the regular ridges and bumps you’ll find on certain condoms and vibrators. The science fiction I read as a kid promised me that in the 21st century I’d have robot servants, a jetpack, and be able to vacation on the moon. Not a single bit of it, from Isaac Asimov to William Gibson, ever predicted that we’d develop a science of fap.

Which brings up one of the quirks of the Flip Hole: the term “fap” became popular because it supposedly sounds like a man jacking off. With the Flip Hole, you lose the “fap” in favor of a rather loud, wet “SCHLUP!” In other words, it’s not the most discreet piece of sex hardware in the world. If someone’s in the next room, you should probably be comfortable with them knowing what you’re doing. It’s a bulky toy, too; I can’t imagine using it with one hand while cruising the Internet for porn. Like a live partner, the Flip Hole demands that you give it your full attention instead of eyeing that tattooed floozy on HotGothChix.com.

But if you’re able to commit to the relationship, the Flip Hole is a great thing to have um, on hand. Besides the textured inside, the Flip Hole’s other great technical feature is the three buttons on each side that allow you to control the pressure. It not only makes the experience more nuanced than sliding back and forth in a rubber hole, it makes the Flip Hole feel like a living, active thing, especially if you use some of the warming lube that comes with it. Masturbation is despised and pathologized because it can so  easily become rote and mechanical, something that you do out of boredom rather than for pleasure. I’ve definitely done it this way at times: jacking off as a functional thing to put myself to sleep or to wake up, rather than to explore my erotic imagination. The great thing about the Flip Hole is that after all that engineering and science put into making the thing, it doesn’t feel mechanical. Fucking the Flip Hole was definitely a pleasure more akin to a warm massage of my cock rather than the archetypal piston-in-socket motion that’s used to caricature male sexuality. The Flip Hole is an extremely well-designed and worthy addition to the nightstand.

You know how when somebody describes a weird sexual gadget, you just know it’s from Japan?  Well the Tenga Flip practically defines the Japanese weird sexual gadget. At its core, it’s a masturbation sleeve: you put lube in it, insert your penis, and thrust or jerk according to taste. But to say it’s just a masturbation sleeve is like saying a Lexus is just a car. If the fleshlight is a Chevy and the regular Tenga is a Honda, then the Flip Hole is the Lexus of masturbation sleeves. It’s got that “we invented technology you’ve never heard of” quality that comes with the best engineered Japanese products. It’s also got that “WTF were they thinking when they designed this, I wonder what the focus group was on?” quality that marks products that are either over the edge or ahead of their time.

So what’s it like to use? Well armed with a link to tube8*, some lube, and a bit of time, I set out to find out. The Flip Hole comes with three different lubes that are supposed to provide different sensations, but frankly I wasn’t impressed and went back to my regular water-based lube. Once I had the Flip Hole lubed up, I closed it up, put the clip back on to keep it that way, and dove right in. One thing to mention at this point, it’s not a quiet toy—at least not for me. There is a lot of squelching and, not to mince words, farting noises that go along with vigorous use. The noise may be related to the amount and type of lube in use, adding more seemed to help, but this is not a toy for those who want to get off quietly.

The flip has a lot of interesting textures inside. They are not symmetrical top to bottom, so as well as controlling the depth you can also rotate it to bring different sensations. I’m normally a fast motion guy—fucking or masturbating, it’s rapid repeated sensation that gets me off. Once in a while, I like slow lazy sex, and, to my surprise, a slow motion of the Flip Hole was what worked best for me.

I suspect most guys are like me and will try to go as deep into the Flip Hole as possible. It did look cool when the sides bulged out as I slid in. However, as I said, the texture varies with depth, and I found a spot a couple of inches in that really worked for me. So don’t just slam it in, try all the depths and find the spot that works for you.

Did I mention that it bulges and looks cool when my cock fills it? Well, on the bulge, there are six plastic pads, buttons, you can press to control tightness (I did say this is the Lexus of masturbation toys). Between the depth, position, and button pressure, the combinations are limitless, and I’m pretty sure there is one for every guy in there somewhere.

Once you’re done, you flip it open, run it under a hot tap (be sure to clean out all the nooks and crannies), and stand it on its clip to dry (note to self – put it away before the housekeeper comes).

Is it worth the money?  Hard to say, I get off quite happily with my hand, and while this is good—very good in fact, I don’t think it will become something I use a lot.  But for that once in a while long, lazy, decadent celebration of Porn Awareness Week it’s a pretty cool toy to have.

 (*tube8.com is by far the best free tube straight porn site IMHO)