CARNAL NATION

I was right on the edge... and my vibrator quit. Please, please, please, I want my vibrator back!

This is pretty typical of the way electrical toys give up the ghost, says Uncle Abdul, author of Juice: Electricity for Pleasure and Pain. (Too bad—we were enjoying the mental picture of showers of sparks flying around the bedroom and lights going out for blocks around.)

"Most commercially made electrical toys are designed vry solidly, with excellent insulation," he notes. "If something goes wrong inside, the toy simply stops." You should not try to fix it, notes Unc, unless you're a qualified electrician—simply discard it, use your hands for now, and buy a new one soon. In fact, if the toy looks in any way damaged—particularly if the case is cracked, the cord frayed or the plug seriously banged-up or bent—get rid of it. (Yes, we know you paid 100 buckaroos for it. But it was worth it, wasn't it?)

The most common accident Unc has heard of with broken electrical toys involve those vibrating eggs that are attached to a cord with a contol box at the end. "People insert the egg into a vagina or anus... then, when they want to take it out, they tug on the cord. The egg comes loose and there they are with both parts of a live electrical wire inside their partner's bodily orifice." This probably isn't too dangerous, says Unc, "but you may get a very dramatic and startling reaction." (We can just imagine.) To avoid this kind of incident, drop the egg part into a female condom before inserting it and leave the ring at the end of the condom outside your partner's body.