Who's Your Daddy?
I'm pregnant, but I'm not sure who the father is.
You're definitely not alone: DNA studies by paternity labs across the U.S. show that at least 10% of kids are not the child of the man officially recognized as their father.
Nonetheless, it's a good idea to get this little confusion straightened out early on. Have a talk with all the possible candidates, then arrange for DNA testing—not too expensive and very accurate.
Oh, and fathers: if you find out after the fact that the child you've been fathering is not biologically yours, that's not permission to stop being a dad. You are that child's father in every way but the molecular one, and responsible people take care of their children.
Oh. My. God. My lover just told me she's pregnant.
Hmmm. It could be that this is an occasion you've both been working toward for many months, and we hope you had at least as much fun getting there as you're going to have from now on. Pop open a bottle of sparkling cider and celebrate.
But if you're reading a Sex Disasters column to ask about this, we're betting it's not quite that simple. Therapist Dossie Easton recommends that your very first action should be to brew a pot of tea—"because the two of you need to have a looooonnnng talk." Spend the time while the tea is brewing settling down and taking a few deep breaths, because now is not the time to panic.
"This feels like a huge deal, but it may not be," she reminds you. "Remember, this happens all the time, and has been happening to people since time immemorial, and every one of them has found a way to deal with it."
She notes that people in this situation often assume that they're going to encounter a huge disagreement, an assumption that may not be warranted. "A good question to start with," she suggests, "is 'What do you want to do?' 'What do I want to do?' It may turn out that your desires are closer together than you think."
As for what decision you reach... well, we're not about to suggest that here; we're not that dumb. But we think that if you stay calm, explore all your options, and treat the situation and your partner with respect, whatever decision you make will be the best possible one under the circumstances. And we also think this is a good plan for all kinds of general problems that affect the two (or more) or you.
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Comments
"Oh, and fathers: if you find
"Oh, and fathers: if you find out after the fact that the child you've been fathering is not biologically yours, that's not permission to stop being a dad. You are that child's father in every way but the molecular one, and responsible people take care of their children."
I beg to differ. This is absolutely permission to leave the scene immediately. The reason for this lies in the legal and financial obligations one will incurr from claiming that this child is theirs. There are countless stories of men ending up with a criminal record because they were put in prison for failure to pay child support. Had they the sense to demand a DNA test, then this would not have happened.
Thousands of doors slam shut on opportunities once a person has been arrested. To claim that this is a risk worth taking for a person that is not your own flesh and blood is proposterous.
The legal system is entirely biased against supporting men and contantly spits in the face of male rights. This is immoral and illogical, and should not be.
This nonsense that men are suddenly more responsible for a situation purely because of their gender is not only sexist, it's just wrong. If you wish to play into the old fashioned gender roles, then women should go back to house keeping, stay out of politics, and should not raise children on their own. If you feel that those standards of the past are as moronic then as it is now, then you should also stand for equal rights in every situation both legal and financial.
Ok, but if you've been
Ok, but if you've been raising that kid I would assume and hope that you love it, and it loves you. That you hug each other and go to the park and maybe even throw a baseball around now and then. Is it not selfish, irresponsible and cruel to stop doing so at the drop of a hat? To abandon them to avoid the "risk" of going to jail for being a deadbeat? That child doesn't understand, all they know is that daddy left and never came back. And by the way, if you don't pay child support and end up in jail, or hell end up in jail for any reason, chances are good its your own damn fault. Grow the fuck up.
Re: OK, but if you've been
Yes, you're a dick if you abandon a child you've bonded with as the father.
The mother of the child should face legal sanction, if it's proved that she has fraudulently asserted paternity. I don't know if that happens, I doubt it.
The problem here is that IF your partner in parenting has been lying to you about the paternity of the child. She's also been lying to the actual father, who may have rights -- all because she may prefer the other man as a lover and you as a father -- or some other complication.
In today's world, if a woman you are not married to tells you that you are the father of a child, you're foolish not to get the DNA test. If you're the father, you deal with it. If not, the two of you need to talk. This needs to happen before the birth.
If you're married, and you're not the biological father, you may be the legal father under the laws of your state. Talk to a lawyer, if you're concerned.
There is no way to sugar coat this: Fraudulent assertion of paternity is a major betrayal, in the eyes of many men. Getting past that in a relationship would be no small matter.